The
Nature of
Anger
Excerpt From
The Relationship Handbook: How to
Understand and Improve Every Relationship in
Your Life
Many of us have
some very definite ideas about anger. We see
anger as destructive and hurtful. We consider it
to be an inappropriate response. We equate anger
with violence. In short, we feel that anger is
simply wrong, and that when we experience anger,
there’s something wrong with us.
Anger isn’t nice.
Anger isn’t polite. And anger certainly isn’t
our friend. Anger can be all of these
things. But anger is also useful, necessary and
even healing. We need our anger. We simply need
to learn how to express our anger in
appropriate, conscious, supportive ways.
On its own, anger
is neither good nor bad. It can be used to hurt,
or it can be used to heal. It may not be a
particularly pleasant emotion, but it’s an
important one. We can all benefit from exploring
the nature of anger. Guy Williams, a friend of
mine who also happens to be a minister of
Religious Science offers a tremendously
insightful approach for understanding anger.
Guy says that
anger arises from a communication not delivered
or an expectation not met. Anger is actually a
tertiary response: our initial responses are
grief and fear. First, we grieve the death of
the expectation that was not met. Next, we fear
that things will never change. Finally, we
experience anger. So few of us recognize that
anger can be a positive, healing response. When
we allow ourselves to experience anger, it
focuses our minds, and strengthens our resolve.
We discover reserves of strength and power.
Our anger is what
gives us the courage and the power to confront
our fear that things will never change, by
creating change. Let’s consider an example. We
expect that our boundaries will be respected by
others. When someone crosses a boundary, that
expectation has not been met. The first thing we
do is grieve the death of the expectation that
other people will respect our boundaries. We
feel unsafe because our boundary has been
violated. But we also experience fear. We’re
afraid that things will never change: that our
boundaries will not protect us because other
people will not honor them. Our anger, however,
is what allows us to change this.
Our anger gives
us the strength to defend ourselves. Our anger
gives us the power and the courage to stand up
and demand that our boundaries be respected. Our
anger, in fact, enables us to feel safe again.
Expressing our anger helps us to redefine and
reinforce our boundaries. We know we can defend
ourselves, and therefore we feel safe. When we
don’t express our anger in healthy, conscious
ways, we buy into the fear that things will
never change. We feel unsafe. More importantly,
we expect that we will always feel unsafe.
Unexpressed anger inevitably turns to resentment
and depression. Anger is our call to awareness.
Our anger encourages us to become conscious of a
limiting belief.
The key to
experiencing anger in a healing way is to own
our anger. We can then choose how to express our
anger. We do not need to lash out, nor do we
need to hurt anyone with our anger. Instead, we
can choose to alter our thinking, change the
limiting belief, and reclaim another piece of
our true selves. When we embrace and understand
the true nature of anger, anger can empower us,
and help us to feel truly safe.
Kevin B. Burk is the author of The
Relationship Handbook: How to Understand and
Improve Every Relationship in Your Life.
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