Holiday Blues....
Having trouble getting your merry on?

You're in good company. What's billed as the "most wonderful time of the year" can bring out the blues in anyone worried about money, dreading a family get-together, mourning the recent loss of a loved one or feeling overwhelmed or lonely -- in other words, a whole lot of us.

But a River Edge psychologist insists we can be happy anyway.

"Happiness is more determined by our minds than by our circumstances," says Alan Gettis, whose 30-year private practice gave him the impetus to write "The Happiness Solution: Finding Joy and Meaning in an Upside Down World."

While we should address circumstances we can change -- like putting a limit on the holiday spending-and-eating orgy -- Gettis argues that we can gain mastery even over issues that seem to be out of our hands.

His magic antidote to holiday blues is a mixture of realistic expectations and positive actions.

"A lot of people compare their reality to what they imagine is ideal," he says. "But things won't be perfect. Family members and friends will not miraculously be different because of the holidays. The same sister will be critical. The same uncle will be drunk and obnoxious. People will arrive late, and the turkey will get dried out."

Naturally, these things will make us feel sad or angry. "Allow yourself your feelings, but decide not to get stuck there," Gettis says.

Instead of a pity party, do something nice for someone else and for yourself. Feeling overwhelmed? Delegate some holiday responsibilities.

"If you've baked the Christmas cookies for 15 years, maybe this year you should ask your daughter to bake them," he suggests.

Instead of worrying that all your holiday preparations won't get done in time or to perfection, remember the Japanese proverb "Even monkeys fall out of trees."

"Worry is futile," Gettis reminds us. "It doesn't affect outcome. So let it go and keep letting it go, and you'll enjoy the holidays more."

It might even make you healthier. A recent University of Texas study of more than 2,500 seniors shows that positive emotions not only help people handle stress better but even translate into lower blood pressure.

Dr. Lauren D. LaPorta, chairwoman of psychiatry at St. Joseph's Regional Medical Center in Paterson, groups sources of holiday stress into "The Four F's" of fantasies, family, food and finances.

"This year, take a moment to reflect on these areas in your life," she advises. "How do they affect you, and what steps can you take to make this holiday a less stressful one?"

One step may be a strategy planned in advance to deal with an expected situation.

For example, Gettis advises a mental pep talk to help you cope with a badly behaved guest.

"Tell yourself that this is a time-limited event and it will pass. Say to yourself, 'I won't allow this person to have power over me and ruin my holiday.' Then, choose to minimize your direct activity with him or her. You are not trapped," he says.

LaPorta acknowledges that family dynamics "can be more tangled than that old string of Christmas lights and much harder to unravel," and it may not be possible to simply avoid relatives who cause us stress.

This was true for one agitated patient of Gettis', who could not find a way out of spending every Thanksgiving with her "toxic" extended family.

Gettis helped her find a compromise. On the Saturday before Thanksgiving, she started a tradition to invite over the people with whom she would prefer to spend the holiday. Come Thanksgiving, she's not as stressed.

Zen wisdom

Gettis is fond of stories that convey how to turn inner happiness up a realistic notch or two. They form the backbone of his book, which was named the best psychology/mental health book of 2006 by USA Book News. He calls its parables "a blend of cognitive behavioral therapy and Zen wisdom."

One of its messages is to avoid dwelling in the past and worrying about the future.

"Pay attention to the present moment and what's going right," he says. "We always rubberneck around a tragedy or disaster instead of what's good. Did you wake up without a headache? Did the car start? There are a million things going right that we don't pay attention to."

So while it's natural to miss a newly departed loved one at holiday gatherings, concentrate on the loved ones who are there.

"Paradoxical as it sounds, grief and holidays are a lot alike," says Susan Apollon, a psychologist and author of "Touched by the Extraordinary."

"They both help us detach from trivial things and focus on what's important, what's real. Open your mind and heart this year and see what happens." And if you need to leave room for a moment to cry, go right ahead.

New connections

For many people, the holiday season magnifies a feeling of loneliness. Gettis advises positive action: making new connections so the next time will be different.

"There are so many possibilities, from meet-up groups online to volunteer services, hiking groups and book clubs," he says.

Volunteering is his favored way to shift from a negative inner focus to a positive outlook. "Giving generously of oneself is an essential ingredient of the happiness solution," he says.

And he practices what he preaches: The psychologist is active in half a dozen charitable causes and has pledged to give them all profits from his book, which costs $18.95 at amazon.com, thehappinesssolu tion.com and stores including Bookends in Ridgewood, Shaw's in Westwood and Womrath's in Tenafly.

But there's one more ingredient Gettis wants us to sprinkle on our holiday fare: a healthy helping of humor. While it may be tempting to cry about a less-than-harmonious family affair, laughter does more to lighten the sting.

"Develop a 'humor list' to deal with a difficult relative or a stressful situation," Gettis advises. "Make a list of the top five things that make you laugh -- images, memories and so on. By vividly recalling or picturing an item or two from your list when needed, you can defuse the situation."

If you feel blue

Source: Northjersey.com
E-mail: leichman@northjersey.com

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