The Midlife
Question: Did You Factor Yourself In?
It’s common
at mid-life to have the feeling that you didn’t
factor yourself into your own life. In fact I
got that phrase from a client who, at 47 years,
had noticed that she hadn’t. You think your
goals and plans were all about you, but at
mid-life we often have the feeling that we were
living someone else’s life, and following
someone else’s goal because the ones we
achieved, or didn’t, don’t seem to have the
meaning we thought they would.
We are our
feelings, and when we take a break and stop to
feel our lives, we may find they’re missing.
What we thought would bring us joy hasn’t. What
we thought would feel like “arriving” doesn’t.
In fact for many, it may be quite a while since
you asked yourself how you felt about anything,
I mean REALLY felt, and also, sadly, that no one
else has asked. Nor have they asked you what you
WANTED.
You may have
had your “15 minutes of fame,” or you may not
have had it. Those who have had it know it’s
just 15 minutes, and that there’s a let-down
afterwards. The bad news is the highs of life
are fleeting. The good news is the lows of life
are fleeting. The real news is that feelings are
only temporary, and that whether it’s great, or
whether it’s awful, it will change.
So if you’ve
been trudging along, waiting for the highs, or
having the highs and wondering why the feeling
doesn’t last, or having the highs and
experiencing the let-down afterwards – nature’s
way of balancing things, or feeling nothing,
feeling numb, or having that awful “been there,
done that” feeling and despairing that there
will ever be anything new to delight you … it’s
time to take stock at midlife, and also time to
make restitution.
It’s no
secret that at midlife we often try just the
opposite. It’s not called the “midlife crisis”
for nothing. The meek accountant leaves his wife
of 25 years, buys a red Corvette and takes off
with a 25 year old lover. It’s not going to end
well, but it’s not a time one can be reasoned
with. Or the at-home homemaker gets a new
hairstyle, loses 25 pounds and gets a job
outside the home for the first time in her life,
abandoning her gardening, cooking and other
hobbies, to the dismay of her husband who is now
ready to get domestic, grow tomatoes, and enjoy
the grandchildren, having explored the work
world and all it has to offer – and doesn’t.
So how do you
make this turn in your life? It’s a good time to
develop your emotional intelligence. To start
getting in tune with your body and what it’s
telling you about how you’re feeling about
things. Whatever this means to you, if you’ve
discovered that even if you win the rat race,
you’re still a rat, why not be something else?
The more you’ve ignored your
feelings, and the longer you have, the more
challenging it is to let it all back in. This is
because it will involve pain. We tend to scurry
over the painful points in our early years
because we know there’s lots of time ahead, and
also because it doesn’t feel good to hurt and
there are plenty of distractions. However it
tends to all come to a head, like a boil, and
that’s when it needs lancing. It’s a law of
emotions, like the laws of physics, that if you
shove down one emotion, you shove them all down.
For most of
us there are big changes at mid-life. Kids leave
home and them a portion of the financial burden
(plus a lot of joy but a sense of a job well
done), there’s a time vacuum, we may move ‘down’
in housing, have a change in finances, or
retire, and there are about as many body changes
as there are at puberty. Our health can also
start requiring more attention.
In a way you
become a new you, and need to recreate your
life. It’s time to get back in touch with your
feelings, so you can sharpen your intuition to
guide you through the next stage. How else can
you know what you want? It’s isn’t an
intellectual thing, it requires emotional
intelligence. We know what gives us the
momentary pleasures, but what bring contentment,
balance and a sense of well-being? What brings
meaning to our lives? What’s our anchor when we
feel at sea with all the changes?
The person
with the most power in any situation is the
person who is the most flexible, and flexibility
is an emotional intelligence competency that can
be developed. It can involve learning about the
“other” side of your brain –left or right.
Typically we have one hemisphere dominant, and
that’s where we’ve spent most of our time.
Exploring the “other” side and strengthening the
connection between the two brings balance and
harmony.
Instead of
thrashing around trying to figure out the
details, why not work on your emotional
intelligence so you’ll have a sure guide?
Intellect is not useful in making this
transition and emotions, if not understood and
managed, can get in the way. Many people become
depressed which fells like “nothing,” but is
really an active mental state which also
manifests in flash anger, irritability, and
irrational thinking. Lost in the fog of what
feels like no emotions, it’s only our emotions
that can give us a map to the way out.
Intellect
dictates that “new and better” will bring
happiness – whether it’s a new and better car,
partner, house, boat, job, or location.
Emotional intelligence guides us to something
quite different, unique to each individual, more
meaningful and more lasting. Why not give it a
try?
The less you
know what this is about, and the more resistant
you are to the idea, the more it’s probably just
the thing for you! After all, if you aren’t
happy and keep on doing what you’ve been doing,
you’re going to keep on getting what you’ve been
getting, and time is of the essence.
©Susan Dunn, MA, Life and EQ Coach,
. Susan is the author of “Making Restitution:
For Women at Midlife,” and coaches individuals
in emotional intelligence with application to
all life situations. She also trains and
certifies EQ coaches, the perfect midlife
profession. For more information on this fast,
affordable, all long-distance program, or for
FREE EQ ezine,
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