The F-Word
Excerpt From
The Relationship Handbook: How to
Understand and Improve Every Relationship in
Your Life
I’d like to
invite you to consider a powerful concept. This
concept is essential—we must learn how to master
it if we want to experience the levels of joy,
happiness, love and prosperity that are our
birthright. Many of us, however, resist this
concept. We use it sparingly, if at all, and
occasionally, we won’t even consider it as an
option. In fact, for many of us, this concept is
so emotionally charged that I hesitate to even
name it, because if I call it anything other
than the “f-word” it could put our egos on high
alert.
You see, in many
cases, avoiding this concept is the ego’s front
line defense—an effort to protect us from
experiencing pain. The ego believes that if we
embraced the “f-word” we would be defenseless at
best, and at worst, we would be destroyed
completely. Of course, it doesn’t help that most
of us have a somewhat ego- and fear-based
understanding of the “f-word” that makes it less
than appealing. The truth is that embracing the
“f-word” is the secret to experiencing genuine
freedom in our lives.
So, what is the
“f-word”? Forgiveness.
In order to
improve our lives, our relationships, and our
reality, we must learn and practice forgiveness.
We must forgive freely, liberally, and often. We
must forgive everything and everyone—especially
the people we are the most reluctant to forgive.
But let’s take a few moments to consider the
true nature of forgiveness.
Guy Williams, a
friend of mine who also happens to be a minister
of Religious Science, suggested this take on the
nature of forgiveness. Forgiveness simply means
to give as before. When we are angry with
someone, when we harbor resentment towards
someone, we have stopped giving to him or her.
We no longer give that person our love or our
compassion. They have betrayed us and caused us
pain. And we know what happens anytime we have a
painful experience, right? Our egos immediately
create a new frame and a new belief in an effort
to protect us from experiencing that pain again
in the future. Our egos are reluctant to accept
the truth that sometimes unpleasant and painful
experiences are unavoidable. Our egos need to
believe that they can protect us. Our egos need
a scapegoat—something (or someone) concrete that
can be identified, isolated and avoided. Holding
onto our anger and resentment keeps us separate
from the person or persons who betrayed us.
This, in turn, reinforces the illusion that we
are separate from those individuals, and
distances us from the truth that there is no
separation: We are all aspects of All That Is.
The less we remember the truth of who we are,
the more our essential spiritual and life
lessons seem to present challenges rather than
opportunities. Everyone always does the best
they can at any given time, and that’s all we
can ever expect.
It’s worth noting
that when we choose to hold a grudge and to
remain angry, we carry the pain of the betrayal
with us. We experience a small amount of pain
each time we think of it. The ego actually wants
us to experience this pain, because the little
pain will serve to remind us how important it is
to avoid the big pain. And the only way to avoid
the big pain is to protect ourselves from close,
supportive relationships with those who have
hurt or betrayed us. Frequently, the person that
we most need to forgive is our self. We betray
ourselves each time we listen to the ego and
forget the truth of who we are. And the more we
betray ourselves, the more our egos try to
protect us (from ourselves, yet!) by
strengthening the illusion of separation from
the Source. And of course, the more we believe
the illusion of separation, the more we betray
ourselves, and experience pain. The way to break
out of this vicious circle is to forgive
ourselves—to “give as before.” We must learn to
express unconditional love and compassion for
ourselves. As we experience this love and
compassion, we will reconnect with our true
selves. And the more we’re able to forgive
ourselves, the more we’re able to forgive
others.
Kevin B. Burk is the author of The
Relationship Handbook: How to Understand and
Improve Every Relationship in Your Life.
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